I've been going to therapy. I love it. My therapist challenges me to think about things in a new way. He asks me to face myself and truly be honest about how I'm feeling. I cried for the first time this week during our session. I finally claimed that I'm lonely. Don't get me wrong, I have great friends and great relationships, but there is a longing that has gone unmet for quite some time. I feel invisible when it comes to men. I get looked over because of my appearance. I have learned to compensate by being outspoken but I am still hiding parts of myself. But what do I do with that? I claim the emotion that I am lonely and I claim that I long to be in a relationship but where does that leave me? The collect that we often recite in worship recites, "Almighty God, to you all hearts are open and all desires known." All desires known. What does that mean? That God knows my desires but chooses not to fulfill them? That God knows my desires and that is the end of it. God knows them and acts accordingly? I have asked for my desires to be changed. I would rather they be changed than sit and long for something that will never happen.
I am young. I know this. But time is not slowing down. I desire things, I long for things. Change my desires. Change something, anything. I want to be seen. See me.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Counter-cultural
Someone told me tonight that I was counter-cultural. I think that is one of the best compliments I've ever gotten. I asked him to further articulate what he meant. He said that I do not let things define me like they define other people.
I've been going to counseling this semester. I really hate the stigma that surrounds people who go to counseling. Personally, I think everyone could benefit from going to counseling. If you have the chance or the means, I get to go free for example, then you really should. It is very informative and helpful. I started going to gain a better sense of self. I wanted to understand why I think the way I do or why I react in a certain way to different situations. I have come to realize that I am, and have been trying to be, counter-culture. I have spent the good part of the last 4 or 5 years trying to redefine what it means to be a Christian and a woman in today's society. The Christian culture has defined who I should be for most of my life and I did not question it. American culture has defined who I should be as a woman, namely an overweight woman, for most of my life as well and I did not question it. It was not until high school and further exploration in college that I started to redefine what it means for me to be an overweight woman and a Christian in America.
I am a lot of things.
As a woman, I am confident, sexy, independent, funny, relational, sassy, a good listener, communicative, complex yet simple.
As a Christian, I am complex yet simple. Love covers all things and all people. All people are worth redeeming. With this in mind, I have to believe that all people are worthy of showing love. Our perceived enemies of society are actually the ones that need love the most. I cannot condemn anyone, that is not my job. Relationships are important to me.
These are streams of thoughts that are going through my head. They don't all go together or make sense, mostly because I am in the midst of studying and can't think straight.
Speaking of, finals are kicking my tail. I get overwhelmed thinking about them so I avoid studying and then get overwhelmed because I'm not studying. I always choose people over studying which is why I have to go sit in the abandoned part of the library. I just love talking to people so much! Ok, back to Christian Theology...
I've been going to counseling this semester. I really hate the stigma that surrounds people who go to counseling. Personally, I think everyone could benefit from going to counseling. If you have the chance or the means, I get to go free for example, then you really should. It is very informative and helpful. I started going to gain a better sense of self. I wanted to understand why I think the way I do or why I react in a certain way to different situations. I have come to realize that I am, and have been trying to be, counter-culture. I have spent the good part of the last 4 or 5 years trying to redefine what it means to be a Christian and a woman in today's society. The Christian culture has defined who I should be for most of my life and I did not question it. American culture has defined who I should be as a woman, namely an overweight woman, for most of my life as well and I did not question it. It was not until high school and further exploration in college that I started to redefine what it means for me to be an overweight woman and a Christian in America.
I am a lot of things.
As a woman, I am confident, sexy, independent, funny, relational, sassy, a good listener, communicative, complex yet simple.
As a Christian, I am complex yet simple. Love covers all things and all people. All people are worth redeeming. With this in mind, I have to believe that all people are worthy of showing love. Our perceived enemies of society are actually the ones that need love the most. I cannot condemn anyone, that is not my job. Relationships are important to me.
These are streams of thoughts that are going through my head. They don't all go together or make sense, mostly because I am in the midst of studying and can't think straight.
Speaking of, finals are kicking my tail. I get overwhelmed thinking about them so I avoid studying and then get overwhelmed because I'm not studying. I always choose people over studying which is why I have to go sit in the abandoned part of the library. I just love talking to people so much! Ok, back to Christian Theology...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I don't get it.
A place to live....check
Amy being employed...check
Boyfriends for Amy and I....no check
Let's unpack that for a minute. Amy and I are great women. Amy can cook, bake, paint, knit, crochet, sew, massage, clean, and talk. What more could you want? I can cook (when I have a recipe and time), bake (same as before), crochet hats and scarves, be laid back, and majorly awesome. What is the dilly yo? We are both single. And continue to be for long periods of time. If I were a man, I would date me and Amy! If I were a lesbian, (rest assured Mother, I am not) we would totally be hot commodities.
But we are both straight. Terribly straight. And single. (Did I mention that we were single?)
Anyway, if you have brothers, cousins, nephews, or know single fathers all of whom are over the age of 23 and under 50, then please, give them our numbers.
PS. our new address is 915 Orient Street. We move this weekend!
Amy being employed...check
Boyfriends for Amy and I....no check
Let's unpack that for a minute. Amy and I are great women. Amy can cook, bake, paint, knit, crochet, sew, massage, clean, and talk. What more could you want? I can cook (when I have a recipe and time), bake (same as before), crochet hats and scarves, be laid back, and majorly awesome. What is the dilly yo? We are both single. And continue to be for long periods of time. If I were a man, I would date me and Amy! If I were a lesbian, (rest assured Mother, I am not) we would totally be hot commodities.
But we are both straight. Terribly straight. And single. (Did I mention that we were single?)
Anyway, if you have brothers, cousins, nephews, or know single fathers all of whom are over the age of 23 and under 50, then please, give them our numbers.
PS. our new address is 915 Orient Street. We move this weekend!
We almost had a tragedy this morning. Fire. Turning on the wrong burner almost had huge repercussions. We caught two oven mitts and a roll of parchment paper on fire. I woke up to the sounds of the fire alarm blaring. No worries, we got it out before it caught anything else on fire but our apartment smells like burnt plastic. Good thing we have to be out by next weekend.
Speaking of, I am the only one of three roommates who is currently employed. Our third roommate lost her job yesterday. Both roommates have jobs secured in massage therapy but cannot begin until the appropriate paperwork comes from the state. Not very excited about the prospect of possibly not getting this house because of that. We will be homeless if we don't figure something out. Not a good time to be unemployed.
Speaking of, I am the only one of three roommates who is currently employed. Our third roommate lost her job yesterday. Both roommates have jobs secured in massage therapy but cannot begin until the appropriate paperwork comes from the state. Not very excited about the prospect of possibly not getting this house because of that. We will be homeless if we don't figure something out. Not a good time to be unemployed.
I am stuck.
My experience does not allow me to leave it all behind but I don't know how to move forward. I am paralyzed, unable to move. If I go back, I know that life cannot be the same. If I move forward, I don't know what it looks like. My feet are stuck. I'm lost right now. Wandering through this dense forest with a small light to shine ahead. The light is growing dimmer and dimmer. I know I am not traditional. I never have been. I cannot see my gifts right now. I am not failing but I am not excelling anywhere. I'm stuck. I am overwhelmed by vocation. I feel like I'm going to be wandering forever.
I am stuck.
My experience does not allow me to leave it all behind but I don't know how to move forward. I am paralyzed, unable to move. If I go back, I know that life cannot be the same. If I move forward, I don't know what it looks like. My feet are stuck. I'm lost right now. Wandering through this dense forest with a small light to shine ahead. The light is growing dimmer and dimmer. I know I am not traditional. I never have been. I cannot see my gifts right now. I am not failing but I am not excelling anywhere. I'm stuck. I am overwhelmed by vocation. I feel like I'm going to be wandering forever.
I am stuck.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Oh geez
My life is a little out of control right now. I'm starting my checklist and you are welcome to follow along.
Pack and Move by Nov 1st.
Write a 1500 word essay about my vocational journey and time at div school by Oct 27.
Write a 1500 word personal statement essay.
Take the GRE before January 15.
12-15 pg paper due Nov 11 over How church reconciles God as good in a world filled with evil.
15-17 pg paper due Nov 18, Greek exegesis of John 10
5-7 pg paper due Nov 13 about the institution of the wedding industry in America and our role as Christians
Mixed in there are about 3 books that have to be read.
Freaking out a little bit.
Pack and Move by Nov 1st.
Write a 1500 word essay about my vocational journey and time at div school by Oct 27.
Write a 1500 word personal statement essay.
Take the GRE before January 15.
12-15 pg paper due Nov 11 over How church reconciles God as good in a world filled with evil.
15-17 pg paper due Nov 18, Greek exegesis of John 10
5-7 pg paper due Nov 13 about the institution of the wedding industry in America and our role as Christians
Mixed in there are about 3 books that have to be read.
Freaking out a little bit.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The Good News
I had the great opportunity last week to visit a friend while I was on holiday in Rome. She has been traveling throughout Europe this summer learning about diverse cultures and volunteering with different organizations. We had dinner during the week and she brought up something that I've been pondering over. She has been volunteering with a lot of organizations that give aid to refugees living throughout Europe from war-torn countries. In Rome specifically, there is a large population of Afghanistan refugees. These men and women flee their country for a variety of reasons but the majority deal with the Taliban. They have either been fighting since they were young or they were being pursued or threatened to join forces with the Taliban. They have to leave everything behind. I had a similar conversation with my friend Mohammad that I met here in Greece. But my friend has really been struggling with her role as a Christian. If we are called to share the Good News, what really is the Good News for those who have nothing and can't get anywhere. These men and women are trapped. They are living in countries illegally with very little chance of becoming legal. Mohammad has been in Greece 3 years trying to get documents. He is still waiting and will likely have to continue to do so. He can't leave the country without getting deported back to Afghanistan and he can't get caught living in Greece without getting deported. To tell him or another Afghani the Good News that Christ died doesn't seem to have the same meaning or significance. I deal with this often in Durham. Going to Open Table every week and eating with the homeless guys, what is it doing? What is the Good News for them? They have needs. They have daily physical needs that do not get met. they have daily mental needs that do not get met. What is the Good News? For the Afghani people, it is even harder. If an Afghani becomes a Christian, they risk being completely ostracized. Everyone else is Muslim. If someone becomes a Christian they will be rejected from the only community that they have, the other refugees. There is no easy answer.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Seriously.
I feel like people expect me to be profound. "You are in seminary! Tell us something!" I am not profound. I am generally, as a rule, sarcastic and sassy. I love to see people's reactions when I say certain things. I love to catch people off-guard and say something funny. Those are the things that people remember me by.
I have a friend here in Thessaloniki, Mohammad. Mohammad is a 20 year old refugee from Afghanistan. He fled the country after having his life threatened if he would not join the Taliban. He was only 17 when he came to Greece. Mohammad had to leave everything behind, his family and any form of identification. Essentially, he is trapped in Greece. He cannot leave the country until he gets the right paperwork and he cannot get that without the identification that he left behind. What can I possibly say to him that could be profound or even helpful? His experience is so far removed from my own. I cannot fathom what his life must be like.
Sarcasm tends to get lost in translation. In true My Big Fat Greek Wedding fashion, I had a Greek explain to me how the word "sarcasm" is a Greek word. Despite this fun fact, sarcasm does not always carry over into every culture. I have had to adapt the way that I relate to people. I can no longer relate through the use of laughter (though I have made many attempts) but rather through the art of being present.
I went to a park in my neighborhood this evening that was packed full of people despite the late hour. A German woman sat next down and proceeded to have a conversation with me. She did not speak English and I definitely did not speak German but we both used our Greek skills. I found that we were able to communicate. I have accomplished something this summer! I was able to understand and respond to her many questions about my life. We did not talk about anything profound but enjoyed our meager attempts at a conversation.
I think the point in relationships is not always having something profound to say but sharing what you are learning. I have found that it is all I have to offer. I cannot give you the answers to life's hard questions but I can share what I have learned along my journey. Hopefully, that is profound enough.
I have a friend here in Thessaloniki, Mohammad. Mohammad is a 20 year old refugee from Afghanistan. He fled the country after having his life threatened if he would not join the Taliban. He was only 17 when he came to Greece. Mohammad had to leave everything behind, his family and any form of identification. Essentially, he is trapped in Greece. He cannot leave the country until he gets the right paperwork and he cannot get that without the identification that he left behind. What can I possibly say to him that could be profound or even helpful? His experience is so far removed from my own. I cannot fathom what his life must be like.
Sarcasm tends to get lost in translation. In true My Big Fat Greek Wedding fashion, I had a Greek explain to me how the word "sarcasm" is a Greek word. Despite this fun fact, sarcasm does not always carry over into every culture. I have had to adapt the way that I relate to people. I can no longer relate through the use of laughter (though I have made many attempts) but rather through the art of being present.
I went to a park in my neighborhood this evening that was packed full of people despite the late hour. A German woman sat next down and proceeded to have a conversation with me. She did not speak English and I definitely did not speak German but we both used our Greek skills. I found that we were able to communicate. I have accomplished something this summer! I was able to understand and respond to her many questions about my life. We did not talk about anything profound but enjoyed our meager attempts at a conversation.
I think the point in relationships is not always having something profound to say but sharing what you are learning. I have found that it is all I have to offer. I cannot give you the answers to life's hard questions but I can share what I have learned along my journey. Hopefully, that is profound enough.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Things I love
so my other posts are too serious for even me. I'm not a boring person! So here is a list of random things that I love....
Stale Marshmallows.
I know, it sounds really gross and everyone makes fun of me for it but I love them! They are hard and the texture is completely different and they taste delicious!
Beer.
Don't even try to give me Bud Light or Keystone. It takes like crap. But real beer, good beer awakens new senses. It is like coffee. You have to smell it because certain gases are emitted when it is poured and then taste it. There are such a variety of flavors and kinds that the tastes are endless! Which leads me to my next love...
Coffee.
I only drink Folgers if I am desperate. I have learned so much about coffee thanks to my bro-in-law. Good coffee makes you want to sit and enjoy it forever. Bad coffee makes you want to guzzle it down so you can stay awake. When you really pay attention to the different flavors (and I am NOT talking about hazelnut or caramel flavored coffee) are across the board. Some flavors really stand out and others just barely appear. It is great.
Playing games.
Games make people relax and forget themselves for awhile. It doesn't matter that you can't pay next months rent, you are awesome when it comes to Uno. For a moment, everyone is a winner.
Singing really stupidly or off-key.
I loooooove it. It makes me giggle about every time. I think it is a rare thing when you can truly entertain yourself.
Stale Marshmallows.
I know, it sounds really gross and everyone makes fun of me for it but I love them! They are hard and the texture is completely different and they taste delicious!
Beer.
Don't even try to give me Bud Light or Keystone. It takes like crap. But real beer, good beer awakens new senses. It is like coffee. You have to smell it because certain gases are emitted when it is poured and then taste it. There are such a variety of flavors and kinds that the tastes are endless! Which leads me to my next love...
Coffee.
I only drink Folgers if I am desperate. I have learned so much about coffee thanks to my bro-in-law. Good coffee makes you want to sit and enjoy it forever. Bad coffee makes you want to guzzle it down so you can stay awake. When you really pay attention to the different flavors (and I am NOT talking about hazelnut or caramel flavored coffee) are across the board. Some flavors really stand out and others just barely appear. It is great.
Playing games.
Games make people relax and forget themselves for awhile. It doesn't matter that you can't pay next months rent, you are awesome when it comes to Uno. For a moment, everyone is a winner.
Singing really stupidly or off-key.
I loooooove it. It makes me giggle about every time. I think it is a rare thing when you can truly entertain yourself.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Issues
We all have issues. I have issues. I recognize this but that doesn't always solve the issues. Last night I think I finally figured out some of my issues and the way that they affect other people.
Issue #1: I hate being left out. This probably stems from the fact that I am the youngest child but I'm sure there are more reasons than that. But my sisters would always tell each other special, secret things that I wasn't old enough to know or understand. I hated this. It made me feel like I was missing out on something important that I would want to remember the rest of my life. This is why I hate missing out on trips or events that friends go to. I strongly believe that friendship is built and made stronger through the sharing of experiences. What if I miss out on one of those experiences that everyone else is a part of? I won't get the jokes, I won't get the visual image because I wasn't a part of it. It isn't about being invited to things all the time. I am fully aware that people do things without me not to be hateful or mean but simply because those are the people that they want to spend time with at that time. Or they really want to do this without other people. Or they just don't think about inviting others along. Or the situation isn't right or something else external that prevents someone from going. I'm rambling. Anyway, this affects other people because when I can't do something that other people are a part of that I'm not explicitly invited to or I'm not going to for one reason or another I will say something. I started to notice this about myself yesterday. I will say something to the other people that aren't explicitly invited either. Maybe I am fishing for an invitation or maybe I'm trying to make sure that other people aren't invited either or maybe I want to make sure that someone else is left out too. I don't know. Either way, it is hurtful. I know this because I noticed yesterday that I said something in a certain tone of voice, very suspiciously.
Anyway, I'm trying to work on it. My mind and my mouth need to start working together. They haven't been recently. I'm trying to not only be introspective but actually make change happen in my life. That is always fun and exciting!
Issue #1: I hate being left out. This probably stems from the fact that I am the youngest child but I'm sure there are more reasons than that. But my sisters would always tell each other special, secret things that I wasn't old enough to know or understand. I hated this. It made me feel like I was missing out on something important that I would want to remember the rest of my life. This is why I hate missing out on trips or events that friends go to. I strongly believe that friendship is built and made stronger through the sharing of experiences. What if I miss out on one of those experiences that everyone else is a part of? I won't get the jokes, I won't get the visual image because I wasn't a part of it. It isn't about being invited to things all the time. I am fully aware that people do things without me not to be hateful or mean but simply because those are the people that they want to spend time with at that time. Or they really want to do this without other people. Or they just don't think about inviting others along. Or the situation isn't right or something else external that prevents someone from going. I'm rambling. Anyway, this affects other people because when I can't do something that other people are a part of that I'm not explicitly invited to or I'm not going to for one reason or another I will say something. I started to notice this about myself yesterday. I will say something to the other people that aren't explicitly invited either. Maybe I am fishing for an invitation or maybe I'm trying to make sure that other people aren't invited either or maybe I want to make sure that someone else is left out too. I don't know. Either way, it is hurtful. I know this because I noticed yesterday that I said something in a certain tone of voice, very suspiciously.
Anyway, I'm trying to work on it. My mind and my mouth need to start working together. They haven't been recently. I'm trying to not only be introspective but actually make change happen in my life. That is always fun and exciting!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Sometimes I really hate being vulnerable. I can feel the tears forming at the back of my eyes and long to share what is on my heart. But then, I reason that no one would really care. I wish I had a muse. I wish I was really gifted at poetry or song writing so that I could be vulnerable without actually having to tell anyone.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Facing the Music
We are carrying a cross tonight. Not just a little 5 foot cross but a large 8-9 foot cross. We are carrying it through the most popular part of town. We did this last Friday night as well. Some people were intrigued, some people were just plain mad. How could we dare to desecrate the cross in such a way as carrying it around. Some people just didn't get it. Christ is someone that is in the church. He doesn't penetrate into our daily lives besides the obligatory crossing of oneself when passing a temple. Christ is who you pray to when things aren't going well. Even then He may not answer you. The Orthodox are very devout people. The priests wear black robes all day, every day.
I love the liturgy of the church. I love the choral music that speak the words of scripture. They really communicate the ups and downs of the writer with their intertwining melodies and minor chords. I love the smell of incense permeating and cleansing every part of the sanctuary. I love the white albs and the robes. I love coming before the alter with a sense of awe and reverence bowing slightly in honor. I love going through the office of morning, noon, vesper, and compline prayer. My heart cries out the prayers of the people. But I also love when I am brought to my knees in humble adoration for all that Christ has done for me. I love when I see brothers and sisters in Christ clinging to one another as they sing praises to God.
We are all searching for something. The cross reminds us again what Christ did. Last week, an old man began to receive reconciliation and release the bitterness he had been holding against God because he saw the cross. He had started to yell that God wasn't real or cared because God had allowed his 37 yr old daughter die from cancer. We talked with him for awhile and by the end of the conversation he was crying.
Who knows what will happen tonight when we carry the cross but I hope that my life begins to be changed as well. Because....I really don't like doing this sort of stuff. For me, it can cause more division than resolution. I'm praying for resolution. I want this nation to see Christ as more than an icon to pray to when there are problems. I want them to know, really know the love that God has poured out. Who knows what will happen.
Almighty God, to you all hearts are opened, all our desires are known, and there are no secrets hidden from your eyes. Cleanse our thoughts that we only make in our hearts by the gift of your Holy Spirit. We pray these things in the name of your only Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
I love the liturgy of the church. I love the choral music that speak the words of scripture. They really communicate the ups and downs of the writer with their intertwining melodies and minor chords. I love the smell of incense permeating and cleansing every part of the sanctuary. I love the white albs and the robes. I love coming before the alter with a sense of awe and reverence bowing slightly in honor. I love going through the office of morning, noon, vesper, and compline prayer. My heart cries out the prayers of the people. But I also love when I am brought to my knees in humble adoration for all that Christ has done for me. I love when I see brothers and sisters in Christ clinging to one another as they sing praises to God.
We are all searching for something. The cross reminds us again what Christ did. Last week, an old man began to receive reconciliation and release the bitterness he had been holding against God because he saw the cross. He had started to yell that God wasn't real or cared because God had allowed his 37 yr old daughter die from cancer. We talked with him for awhile and by the end of the conversation he was crying.
Who knows what will happen tonight when we carry the cross but I hope that my life begins to be changed as well. Because....I really don't like doing this sort of stuff. For me, it can cause more division than resolution. I'm praying for resolution. I want this nation to see Christ as more than an icon to pray to when there are problems. I want them to know, really know the love that God has poured out. Who knows what will happen.
Almighty God, to you all hearts are opened, all our desires are known, and there are no secrets hidden from your eyes. Cleanse our thoughts that we only make in our hearts by the gift of your Holy Spirit. We pray these things in the name of your only Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Processing
So, I've had the last few days to process through this weekend. Someone asked me if the reason I was having a hard time processing it was because I thought I had God figured out already. I realized, no, my problem is not that I had God figured out but I thought I had me in reference to God figured out.
My life has been pretty predictable up until now. I went to church pretty regularly never expecting God to move. The types of services I went to were not focused on that. We did not really lay hands on people for healing, not in the way where the spirit was active. After I received the HS on Saturday night, church on Sunday was the same type of experience. I could feel the HS begin to take over my body again. My stomach started heaving and tears started flowing. I am more and more certain that the sign of the spirit on me is tears. But the pastor asked me to come pray for healing for a woman with back problems. She had pain in her lower back. I stood and prayed with her. I could feel the spirit moving in my body. God took the pain from her back and she was pain-free. I opened myself up to God and he used me.
Matthew 10 Jesus enables his disciples to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out demons. Christ enabled them to do these things. All the disciples had to do was believe and be a vessel. I am beginning to see that I need to be a vessel. Again in Acts, after they had received the HS at Pentecost Peter and John were out walking and healed a man unable to walk. Peter again points to Christ as the enabler.
I believe things that I have never believed were true and it scares me a little. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to worship the way I did before. I'm scared that the spirit is going to move and make me look like an idiot. I'm scared that people aren't going to understand. I'm afraid that I've changed and I can't go back.
My life has been pretty predictable up until now. I went to church pretty regularly never expecting God to move. The types of services I went to were not focused on that. We did not really lay hands on people for healing, not in the way where the spirit was active. After I received the HS on Saturday night, church on Sunday was the same type of experience. I could feel the HS begin to take over my body again. My stomach started heaving and tears started flowing. I am more and more certain that the sign of the spirit on me is tears. But the pastor asked me to come pray for healing for a woman with back problems. She had pain in her lower back. I stood and prayed with her. I could feel the spirit moving in my body. God took the pain from her back and she was pain-free. I opened myself up to God and he used me.
Matthew 10 Jesus enables his disciples to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out demons. Christ enabled them to do these things. All the disciples had to do was believe and be a vessel. I am beginning to see that I need to be a vessel. Again in Acts, after they had received the HS at Pentecost Peter and John were out walking and healed a man unable to walk. Peter again points to Christ as the enabler.
I believe things that I have never believed were true and it scares me a little. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to worship the way I did before. I'm scared that the spirit is going to move and make me look like an idiot. I'm scared that people aren't going to understand. I'm afraid that I've changed and I can't go back.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Receiving
Today, I received the Holy Spirit. I mean the slain- in -the- spirit- can't- stand- up- can't- move kind of received. If someone would have told me that it would happen to me, I would have laughed in their face. God revealed himself to me and I am forever changed.
The service went a lot like last night but instead of ending, Frank made a side section where people could come and receive prayer. He asked that those who wanted to administer healing as well to come over with him. I had been praying this whole time that my heart and mind would be open to receiving the HS. I went forward to pray with people. I was mostly standing to the side unsure of what to do when Frank grabbed my hand. He said, "what do you want from God?" I simply said, "To receive." I wanted to receive the HS and not be a skeptic anymore. At that moment, I started weeping. Uncontrollable weeping. My stomach was heaving and my body felt heavy with the weight. As I fell to my knees, Frank said, "God says that you will never be the same again." I sat on the floor, unable to move, weeping. I have never wept like that before. My eyes would not open. My mind was very coherent, weirdly so. Here I was on the floor, weeping, and my mind is racing. "This is what the HS feels like. I can't believe this is happening to me. Thank you God for your spirit. I really can't stop weeping. I have to tell my friends about this." All of these thoughts were going through my head as I was glued to the floor, weeping.
I was finally able to pick myself up. For the rest of the night, anytime we were praying for people my stomach would clench up and I would begin weeping. I realized that in Acts, the crowd described the disciples as appearing drunk. I now understand why. After we had prayed for all those that sought prayer, we were overcome with laughter. I mean, I like to laugh. If you know me at all, you know that if I get the giggles, I am unable to stop. This time I was merely standing sorta laughing to myself. The youth were "passing around the spirit" as in, the would stand in front of one another and say 'fire' and immediately the person would fall to the floor. I stood in front of someone and said the word 'fire' and I literally could not stand up I was laughing so hard. I laid on the floor for a long time just giggling.
Then Frank spoke to me again. He told me a prophetic word. He told me the things that the Lord spoke to him as he laid hands on me. God is doing something in my life. I don't know what it is but I'm open. After this weekend, I am no longer a skeptic. I have felt the HS in my body. I don't know what this all means for my future. If you know me, you know that this is nothing like me. But seeing God work has changed my life. I will never be the same and I don't know that I want to be.
The service went a lot like last night but instead of ending, Frank made a side section where people could come and receive prayer. He asked that those who wanted to administer healing as well to come over with him. I had been praying this whole time that my heart and mind would be open to receiving the HS. I went forward to pray with people. I was mostly standing to the side unsure of what to do when Frank grabbed my hand. He said, "what do you want from God?" I simply said, "To receive." I wanted to receive the HS and not be a skeptic anymore. At that moment, I started weeping. Uncontrollable weeping. My stomach was heaving and my body felt heavy with the weight. As I fell to my knees, Frank said, "God says that you will never be the same again." I sat on the floor, unable to move, weeping. I have never wept like that before. My eyes would not open. My mind was very coherent, weirdly so. Here I was on the floor, weeping, and my mind is racing. "This is what the HS feels like. I can't believe this is happening to me. Thank you God for your spirit. I really can't stop weeping. I have to tell my friends about this." All of these thoughts were going through my head as I was glued to the floor, weeping.
I was finally able to pick myself up. For the rest of the night, anytime we were praying for people my stomach would clench up and I would begin weeping. I realized that in Acts, the crowd described the disciples as appearing drunk. I now understand why. After we had prayed for all those that sought prayer, we were overcome with laughter. I mean, I like to laugh. If you know me at all, you know that if I get the giggles, I am unable to stop. This time I was merely standing sorta laughing to myself. The youth were "passing around the spirit" as in, the would stand in front of one another and say 'fire' and immediately the person would fall to the floor. I stood in front of someone and said the word 'fire' and I literally could not stand up I was laughing so hard. I laid on the floor for a long time just giggling.
Then Frank spoke to me again. He told me a prophetic word. He told me the things that the Lord spoke to him as he laid hands on me. God is doing something in my life. I don't know what it is but I'm open. After this weekend, I am no longer a skeptic. I have felt the HS in my body. I don't know what this all means for my future. If you know me, you know that this is nothing like me. But seeing God work has changed my life. I will never be the same and I don't know that I want to be.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Pentecost Holiday
This weekend, according to the Orthodox church, is the celebration of Pentecost. The Holy Spirit is brought to the people and as we all remember from NT, the people begin speaking in tongues in Acts. Well, to celebrate this weekend our church has planned a Fire Conference. There is a guest speaker from Florida whose main ministry is bikers. He preaches on the streets of Florida and administers healing.
I'm a skeptic at heart. I grew up in typical United Methodist fashion with no HS moving the people during worship. People didn't raise their hands and they certainly didn't speak in tongues. We rarely had alter calls. As we were preparing for the conference, we talked about our own experiences with the HS. I admitted that I didn't have much experience with people being slain in the spirit or speaking in tongues. I've never seen someone healed. It all made me kinda nervous. But I've always wanted to see that side of the HS. I believe that God can change people. I believe that miracles happen but I had never witnessed one. I wanted to see the way that God could move his people.
As I tried to prepare myself for the conference, I prayed that God would open my heart and mind to the things that the HS could do. I wanted my heart to be open to receiving the HS. I wasn't praying to speak in tongues but to feel God touch me with the HS. Like I said before, I'm a skeptic. I didn't think that the HS could really infuse people. Tonight, I became a believer. I prayed that my heart would be open and God answered that. While we were singing our worship songs at the beginning, I found myself beginning to cry. The songs are all in Greek so I don't really know what they are saying but I sing along anyway. I started to cry but could not identify why I was crying. As the speaker began to speak, each time someone went up to receive healing I would begin to cry again. One woman went forward to receive healing on her eyes. She had been seeing spots and it blurred her vision. The speaker pointed at me and asked me to come forward. He said, "I received a word from God that you needed to see the healing of her eyes. Put your hands over her eyes and say these words." The tears would not stop flowing. The woman was convulsing but remained standing. God healed her eyes. God answered my prayer. I saw people receive the HS.
I'm still processing through a lot of this. We have another service tomorrow night. I hope the Lord continues to open my heart and I see his healing power again. I'm excited to see the people who received healing tonight. One lady was blind in one eye and she began to gain some sight in it but it might take some time still.
God is changing me. I don't know the complete reason or ways yet but I feel a change. Maybe it is to help my skepticism.
Sorry for unloading but it is a lot to process in one evening.
I'm a skeptic at heart. I grew up in typical United Methodist fashion with no HS moving the people during worship. People didn't raise their hands and they certainly didn't speak in tongues. We rarely had alter calls. As we were preparing for the conference, we talked about our own experiences with the HS. I admitted that I didn't have much experience with people being slain in the spirit or speaking in tongues. I've never seen someone healed. It all made me kinda nervous. But I've always wanted to see that side of the HS. I believe that God can change people. I believe that miracles happen but I had never witnessed one. I wanted to see the way that God could move his people.
As I tried to prepare myself for the conference, I prayed that God would open my heart and mind to the things that the HS could do. I wanted my heart to be open to receiving the HS. I wasn't praying to speak in tongues but to feel God touch me with the HS. Like I said before, I'm a skeptic. I didn't think that the HS could really infuse people. Tonight, I became a believer. I prayed that my heart would be open and God answered that. While we were singing our worship songs at the beginning, I found myself beginning to cry. The songs are all in Greek so I don't really know what they are saying but I sing along anyway. I started to cry but could not identify why I was crying. As the speaker began to speak, each time someone went up to receive healing I would begin to cry again. One woman went forward to receive healing on her eyes. She had been seeing spots and it blurred her vision. The speaker pointed at me and asked me to come forward. He said, "I received a word from God that you needed to see the healing of her eyes. Put your hands over her eyes and say these words." The tears would not stop flowing. The woman was convulsing but remained standing. God healed her eyes. God answered my prayer. I saw people receive the HS.
I'm still processing through a lot of this. We have another service tomorrow night. I hope the Lord continues to open my heart and I see his healing power again. I'm excited to see the people who received healing tonight. One lady was blind in one eye and she began to gain some sight in it but it might take some time still.
God is changing me. I don't know the complete reason or ways yet but I feel a change. Maybe it is to help my skepticism.
Sorry for unloading but it is a lot to process in one evening.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A Master of Divinity?
What does it mean to master the art of divinity? I struggle with this question every day. As my dad often says, “I don’t know why you had to come to Duke to learn how to make candy.” Nonetheless, I am here learning to be divine. But what does that mean? Does it mean that I will achieve a state of true knowledge or will I be even more confused? Will I be able to translate what I have learned here into my everyday interactions with people? I’ve known since my undergrad that studying religion will not get you answers to your questions. Chances are it will cause you to have further questions. But if you open yourself up, you will find God within the questions. You will see that through the questions, He/She is forming you into a conscience person. No longer can I walk through life the same. I am forever changed. Even now, I am supposed to be studying for my Prophets exam that happens in two days but I can’t get my mind off our lecture today. The lecture dealt with modern day prophecy. Can we say that the things that have happened in our time are a result of our sin? Are the hurricanes in Louisiana or the other numerous natural disasters that have taken place in the last few years a result of God’s wrath on the people? How do we reconcile with the message of the gospel, which is in essence love and hope for all, with the message that God is vengeful and full of wrath that seems to come alongside this message? Do we say that God caused the death of millions of people in order to show us our sin? Is this a hopeful message? I do not have the answers. I struggle with these questions and hope. I can’t give up hope.
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