Counter-cultural

Someone told me tonight that I was counter-cultural. I think that is one of the best compliments I've ever gotten. I asked him to further articulate what he meant. He said that I do not let things define me like they define other people.

I've been going to counseling this semester. I really hate the stigma that surrounds people who go to counseling. Personally, I think everyone could benefit from going to counseling. If you have the chance or the means, I get to go free for example, then you really should. It is very informative and helpful. I started going to gain a better sense of self. I wanted to understand why I think the way I do or why I react in a certain way to different situations. I have come to realize that I am, and have been trying to be, counter-culture. I have spent the good part of the last 4 or 5 years trying to redefine what it means to be a Christian and a woman in today's society. The Christian culture has defined who I should be for most of my life and I did not question it. American culture has defined who I should be as a woman, namely an overweight woman, for most of my life as well and I did not question it. It was not until high school and further exploration in college that I started to redefine what it means for me to be an overweight woman and a Christian in America.

I am a lot of things.

As a woman, I am confident, sexy, independent, funny, relational, sassy, a good listener, communicative, complex yet simple.

As a Christian, I am complex yet simple. Love covers all things and all people. All people are worth redeeming. With this in mind, I have to believe that all people are worthy of showing love. Our perceived enemies of society are actually the ones that need love the most. I cannot condemn anyone, that is not my job. Relationships are important to me.

These are streams of thoughts that are going through my head. They don't all go together or make sense, mostly because I am in the midst of studying and can't think straight.

Speaking of, finals are kicking my tail. I get overwhelmed thinking about them so I avoid studying and then get overwhelmed because I'm not studying. I always choose people over studying which is why I have to go sit in the abandoned part of the library. I just love talking to people so much! Ok, back to Christian Theology...

I don't get it.

A place to live....check
Amy being employed...check
Boyfriends for Amy and I....no check

Let's unpack that for a minute. Amy and I are great women. Amy can cook, bake, paint, knit, crochet, sew, massage, clean, and talk. What more could you want? I can cook (when I have a recipe and time), bake (same as before), crochet hats and scarves, be laid back, and majorly awesome. What is the dilly yo? We are both single. And continue to be for long periods of time. If I were a man, I would date me and Amy! If I were a lesbian, (rest assured Mother, I am not) we would totally be hot commodities.

But we are both straight. Terribly straight. And single. (Did I mention that we were single?)

Anyway, if you have brothers, cousins, nephews, or know single fathers all of whom are over the age of 23 and under 50, then please, give them our numbers.

PS. our new address is 915 Orient Street. We move this weekend!

We almost had a tragedy this morning. Fire. Turning on the wrong burner almost had huge repercussions. We caught two oven mitts and a roll of parchment paper on fire. I woke up to the sounds of the fire alarm blaring. No worries, we got it out before it caught anything else on fire but our apartment smells like burnt plastic. Good thing we have to be out by next weekend.

Speaking of, I am the only one of three roommates who is currently employed. Our third roommate lost her job yesterday. Both roommates have jobs secured in massage therapy but cannot begin until the appropriate paperwork comes from the state. Not very excited about the prospect of possibly not getting this house because of that. We will be homeless if we don't figure something out. Not a good time to be unemployed.

I am stuck.

My experience does not allow me to leave it all behind but I don't know how to move forward. I am paralyzed, unable to move. If I go back, I know that life cannot be the same. If I move forward, I don't know what it looks like. My feet are stuck. I'm lost right now. Wandering through this dense forest with a small light to shine ahead. The light is growing dimmer and dimmer. I know I am not traditional. I never have been. I cannot see my gifts right now. I am not failing but I am not excelling anywhere. I'm stuck. I am overwhelmed by vocation. I feel like I'm going to be wandering forever.

I am stuck.

Oh geez

My life is a little out of control right now. I'm starting my checklist and you are welcome to follow along.

Pack and Move by Nov 1st.
Write a 1500 word essay about my vocational journey and time at div school by Oct 27.
Write a 1500 word personal statement essay.
Take the GRE before January 15.
12-15 pg paper due Nov 11 over How church reconciles God as good in a world filled with evil.
15-17 pg paper due Nov 18, Greek exegesis of John 10
5-7 pg paper due Nov 13 about the institution of the wedding industry in America and our role as Christians
Mixed in there are about 3 books that have to be read.

Freaking out a little bit.

The Good News

I had the great opportunity last week to visit a friend while I was on holiday in Rome. She has been traveling throughout Europe this summer learning about diverse cultures and volunteering with different organizations. We had dinner during the week and she brought up something that I've been pondering over. She has been volunteering with a lot of organizations that give aid to refugees living throughout Europe from war-torn countries. In Rome specifically, there is a large population of Afghanistan refugees. These men and women flee their country for a variety of reasons but the majority deal with the Taliban. They have either been fighting since they were young or they were being pursued or threatened to join forces with the Taliban. They have to leave everything behind. I had a similar conversation with my friend Mohammad that I met here in Greece. But my friend has really been struggling with her role as a Christian. If we are called to share the Good News, what really is the Good News for those who have nothing and can't get anywhere. These men and women are trapped. They are living in countries illegally with very little chance of becoming legal. Mohammad has been in Greece 3 years trying to get documents. He is still waiting and will likely have to continue to do so. He can't leave the country without getting deported back to Afghanistan and he can't get caught living in Greece without getting deported. To tell him or another Afghani the Good News that Christ died doesn't seem to have the same meaning or significance. I deal with this often in Durham. Going to Open Table every week and eating with the homeless guys, what is it doing? What is the Good News for them? They have needs. They have daily physical needs that do not get met. they have daily mental needs that do not get met. What is the Good News? For the Afghani people, it is even harder. If an Afghani becomes a Christian, they risk being completely ostracized. Everyone else is Muslim. If someone becomes a Christian they will be rejected from the only community that they have, the other refugees. There is no easy answer.

Seriously.

I feel like people expect me to be profound. "You are in seminary! Tell us something!" I am not profound. I am generally, as a rule, sarcastic and sassy. I love to see people's reactions when I say certain things. I love to catch people off-guard and say something funny. Those are the things that people remember me by.

I have a friend here in Thessaloniki, Mohammad. Mohammad is a 20 year old refugee from Afghanistan. He fled the country after having his life threatened if he would not join the Taliban. He was only 17 when he came to Greece. Mohammad had to leave everything behind, his family and any form of identification. Essentially, he is trapped in Greece. He cannot leave the country until he gets the right paperwork and he cannot get that without the identification that he left behind. What can I possibly say to him that could be profound or even helpful? His experience is so far removed from my own. I cannot fathom what his life must be like.

Sarcasm tends to get lost in translation. In true My Big Fat Greek Wedding fashion, I had a Greek explain to me how the word "sarcasm" is a Greek word. Despite this fun fact, sarcasm does not always carry over into every culture. I have had to adapt the way that I relate to people. I can no longer relate through the use of laughter (though I have made many attempts) but rather through the art of being present.

I went to a park in my neighborhood this evening that was packed full of people despite the late hour. A German woman sat next down and proceeded to have a conversation with me. She did not speak English and I definitely did not speak German but we both used our Greek skills. I found that we were able to communicate. I have accomplished something this summer! I was able to understand and respond to her many questions about my life. We did not talk about anything profound but enjoyed our meager attempts at a conversation.

I think the point in relationships is not always having something profound to say but sharing what you are learning. I have found that it is all I have to offer. I cannot give you the answers to life's hard questions but I can share what I have learned along my journey. Hopefully, that is profound enough.