We all have issues. I have issues. I recognize this but that doesn't always solve the issues. Last night I think I finally figured out some of my issues and the way that they affect other people.
Issue #1: I hate being left out. This probably stems from the fact that I am the youngest child but I'm sure there are more reasons than that. But my sisters would always tell each other special, secret things that I wasn't old enough to know or understand. I hated this. It made me feel like I was missing out on something important that I would want to remember the rest of my life. This is why I hate missing out on trips or events that friends go to. I strongly believe that friendship is built and made stronger through the sharing of experiences. What if I miss out on one of those experiences that everyone else is a part of? I won't get the jokes, I won't get the visual image because I wasn't a part of it. It isn't about being invited to things all the time. I am fully aware that people do things without me not to be hateful or mean but simply because those are the people that they want to spend time with at that time. Or they really want to do this without other people. Or they just don't think about inviting others along. Or the situation isn't right or something else external that prevents someone from going. I'm rambling. Anyway, this affects other people because when I can't do something that other people are a part of that I'm not explicitly invited to or I'm not going to for one reason or another I will say something. I started to notice this about myself yesterday. I will say something to the other people that aren't explicitly invited either. Maybe I am fishing for an invitation or maybe I'm trying to make sure that other people aren't invited either or maybe I want to make sure that someone else is left out too. I don't know. Either way, it is hurtful. I know this because I noticed yesterday that I said something in a certain tone of voice, very suspiciously.
Anyway, I'm trying to work on it. My mind and my mouth need to start working together. They haven't been recently. I'm trying to not only be introspective but actually make change happen in my life. That is always fun and exciting!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Sometimes I really hate being vulnerable. I can feel the tears forming at the back of my eyes and long to share what is on my heart. But then, I reason that no one would really care. I wish I had a muse. I wish I was really gifted at poetry or song writing so that I could be vulnerable without actually having to tell anyone.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Facing the Music
We are carrying a cross tonight. Not just a little 5 foot cross but a large 8-9 foot cross. We are carrying it through the most popular part of town. We did this last Friday night as well. Some people were intrigued, some people were just plain mad. How could we dare to desecrate the cross in such a way as carrying it around. Some people just didn't get it. Christ is someone that is in the church. He doesn't penetrate into our daily lives besides the obligatory crossing of oneself when passing a temple. Christ is who you pray to when things aren't going well. Even then He may not answer you. The Orthodox are very devout people. The priests wear black robes all day, every day.
I love the liturgy of the church. I love the choral music that speak the words of scripture. They really communicate the ups and downs of the writer with their intertwining melodies and minor chords. I love the smell of incense permeating and cleansing every part of the sanctuary. I love the white albs and the robes. I love coming before the alter with a sense of awe and reverence bowing slightly in honor. I love going through the office of morning, noon, vesper, and compline prayer. My heart cries out the prayers of the people. But I also love when I am brought to my knees in humble adoration for all that Christ has done for me. I love when I see brothers and sisters in Christ clinging to one another as they sing praises to God.
We are all searching for something. The cross reminds us again what Christ did. Last week, an old man began to receive reconciliation and release the bitterness he had been holding against God because he saw the cross. He had started to yell that God wasn't real or cared because God had allowed his 37 yr old daughter die from cancer. We talked with him for awhile and by the end of the conversation he was crying.
Who knows what will happen tonight when we carry the cross but I hope that my life begins to be changed as well. Because....I really don't like doing this sort of stuff. For me, it can cause more division than resolution. I'm praying for resolution. I want this nation to see Christ as more than an icon to pray to when there are problems. I want them to know, really know the love that God has poured out. Who knows what will happen.
Almighty God, to you all hearts are opened, all our desires are known, and there are no secrets hidden from your eyes. Cleanse our thoughts that we only make in our hearts by the gift of your Holy Spirit. We pray these things in the name of your only Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
I love the liturgy of the church. I love the choral music that speak the words of scripture. They really communicate the ups and downs of the writer with their intertwining melodies and minor chords. I love the smell of incense permeating and cleansing every part of the sanctuary. I love the white albs and the robes. I love coming before the alter with a sense of awe and reverence bowing slightly in honor. I love going through the office of morning, noon, vesper, and compline prayer. My heart cries out the prayers of the people. But I also love when I am brought to my knees in humble adoration for all that Christ has done for me. I love when I see brothers and sisters in Christ clinging to one another as they sing praises to God.
We are all searching for something. The cross reminds us again what Christ did. Last week, an old man began to receive reconciliation and release the bitterness he had been holding against God because he saw the cross. He had started to yell that God wasn't real or cared because God had allowed his 37 yr old daughter die from cancer. We talked with him for awhile and by the end of the conversation he was crying.
Who knows what will happen tonight when we carry the cross but I hope that my life begins to be changed as well. Because....I really don't like doing this sort of stuff. For me, it can cause more division than resolution. I'm praying for resolution. I want this nation to see Christ as more than an icon to pray to when there are problems. I want them to know, really know the love that God has poured out. Who knows what will happen.
Almighty God, to you all hearts are opened, all our desires are known, and there are no secrets hidden from your eyes. Cleanse our thoughts that we only make in our hearts by the gift of your Holy Spirit. We pray these things in the name of your only Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Processing
So, I've had the last few days to process through this weekend. Someone asked me if the reason I was having a hard time processing it was because I thought I had God figured out already. I realized, no, my problem is not that I had God figured out but I thought I had me in reference to God figured out.
My life has been pretty predictable up until now. I went to church pretty regularly never expecting God to move. The types of services I went to were not focused on that. We did not really lay hands on people for healing, not in the way where the spirit was active. After I received the HS on Saturday night, church on Sunday was the same type of experience. I could feel the HS begin to take over my body again. My stomach started heaving and tears started flowing. I am more and more certain that the sign of the spirit on me is tears. But the pastor asked me to come pray for healing for a woman with back problems. She had pain in her lower back. I stood and prayed with her. I could feel the spirit moving in my body. God took the pain from her back and she was pain-free. I opened myself up to God and he used me.
Matthew 10 Jesus enables his disciples to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out demons. Christ enabled them to do these things. All the disciples had to do was believe and be a vessel. I am beginning to see that I need to be a vessel. Again in Acts, after they had received the HS at Pentecost Peter and John were out walking and healed a man unable to walk. Peter again points to Christ as the enabler.
I believe things that I have never believed were true and it scares me a little. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to worship the way I did before. I'm scared that the spirit is going to move and make me look like an idiot. I'm scared that people aren't going to understand. I'm afraid that I've changed and I can't go back.
My life has been pretty predictable up until now. I went to church pretty regularly never expecting God to move. The types of services I went to were not focused on that. We did not really lay hands on people for healing, not in the way where the spirit was active. After I received the HS on Saturday night, church on Sunday was the same type of experience. I could feel the HS begin to take over my body again. My stomach started heaving and tears started flowing. I am more and more certain that the sign of the spirit on me is tears. But the pastor asked me to come pray for healing for a woman with back problems. She had pain in her lower back. I stood and prayed with her. I could feel the spirit moving in my body. God took the pain from her back and she was pain-free. I opened myself up to God and he used me.
Matthew 10 Jesus enables his disciples to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out demons. Christ enabled them to do these things. All the disciples had to do was believe and be a vessel. I am beginning to see that I need to be a vessel. Again in Acts, after they had received the HS at Pentecost Peter and John were out walking and healed a man unable to walk. Peter again points to Christ as the enabler.
I believe things that I have never believed were true and it scares me a little. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to worship the way I did before. I'm scared that the spirit is going to move and make me look like an idiot. I'm scared that people aren't going to understand. I'm afraid that I've changed and I can't go back.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Receiving
Today, I received the Holy Spirit. I mean the slain- in -the- spirit- can't- stand- up- can't- move kind of received. If someone would have told me that it would happen to me, I would have laughed in their face. God revealed himself to me and I am forever changed.
The service went a lot like last night but instead of ending, Frank made a side section where people could come and receive prayer. He asked that those who wanted to administer healing as well to come over with him. I had been praying this whole time that my heart and mind would be open to receiving the HS. I went forward to pray with people. I was mostly standing to the side unsure of what to do when Frank grabbed my hand. He said, "what do you want from God?" I simply said, "To receive." I wanted to receive the HS and not be a skeptic anymore. At that moment, I started weeping. Uncontrollable weeping. My stomach was heaving and my body felt heavy with the weight. As I fell to my knees, Frank said, "God says that you will never be the same again." I sat on the floor, unable to move, weeping. I have never wept like that before. My eyes would not open. My mind was very coherent, weirdly so. Here I was on the floor, weeping, and my mind is racing. "This is what the HS feels like. I can't believe this is happening to me. Thank you God for your spirit. I really can't stop weeping. I have to tell my friends about this." All of these thoughts were going through my head as I was glued to the floor, weeping.
I was finally able to pick myself up. For the rest of the night, anytime we were praying for people my stomach would clench up and I would begin weeping. I realized that in Acts, the crowd described the disciples as appearing drunk. I now understand why. After we had prayed for all those that sought prayer, we were overcome with laughter. I mean, I like to laugh. If you know me at all, you know that if I get the giggles, I am unable to stop. This time I was merely standing sorta laughing to myself. The youth were "passing around the spirit" as in, the would stand in front of one another and say 'fire' and immediately the person would fall to the floor. I stood in front of someone and said the word 'fire' and I literally could not stand up I was laughing so hard. I laid on the floor for a long time just giggling.
Then Frank spoke to me again. He told me a prophetic word. He told me the things that the Lord spoke to him as he laid hands on me. God is doing something in my life. I don't know what it is but I'm open. After this weekend, I am no longer a skeptic. I have felt the HS in my body. I don't know what this all means for my future. If you know me, you know that this is nothing like me. But seeing God work has changed my life. I will never be the same and I don't know that I want to be.
The service went a lot like last night but instead of ending, Frank made a side section where people could come and receive prayer. He asked that those who wanted to administer healing as well to come over with him. I had been praying this whole time that my heart and mind would be open to receiving the HS. I went forward to pray with people. I was mostly standing to the side unsure of what to do when Frank grabbed my hand. He said, "what do you want from God?" I simply said, "To receive." I wanted to receive the HS and not be a skeptic anymore. At that moment, I started weeping. Uncontrollable weeping. My stomach was heaving and my body felt heavy with the weight. As I fell to my knees, Frank said, "God says that you will never be the same again." I sat on the floor, unable to move, weeping. I have never wept like that before. My eyes would not open. My mind was very coherent, weirdly so. Here I was on the floor, weeping, and my mind is racing. "This is what the HS feels like. I can't believe this is happening to me. Thank you God for your spirit. I really can't stop weeping. I have to tell my friends about this." All of these thoughts were going through my head as I was glued to the floor, weeping.
I was finally able to pick myself up. For the rest of the night, anytime we were praying for people my stomach would clench up and I would begin weeping. I realized that in Acts, the crowd described the disciples as appearing drunk. I now understand why. After we had prayed for all those that sought prayer, we were overcome with laughter. I mean, I like to laugh. If you know me at all, you know that if I get the giggles, I am unable to stop. This time I was merely standing sorta laughing to myself. The youth were "passing around the spirit" as in, the would stand in front of one another and say 'fire' and immediately the person would fall to the floor. I stood in front of someone and said the word 'fire' and I literally could not stand up I was laughing so hard. I laid on the floor for a long time just giggling.
Then Frank spoke to me again. He told me a prophetic word. He told me the things that the Lord spoke to him as he laid hands on me. God is doing something in my life. I don't know what it is but I'm open. After this weekend, I am no longer a skeptic. I have felt the HS in my body. I don't know what this all means for my future. If you know me, you know that this is nothing like me. But seeing God work has changed my life. I will never be the same and I don't know that I want to be.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Pentecost Holiday
This weekend, according to the Orthodox church, is the celebration of Pentecost. The Holy Spirit is brought to the people and as we all remember from NT, the people begin speaking in tongues in Acts. Well, to celebrate this weekend our church has planned a Fire Conference. There is a guest speaker from Florida whose main ministry is bikers. He preaches on the streets of Florida and administers healing.
I'm a skeptic at heart. I grew up in typical United Methodist fashion with no HS moving the people during worship. People didn't raise their hands and they certainly didn't speak in tongues. We rarely had alter calls. As we were preparing for the conference, we talked about our own experiences with the HS. I admitted that I didn't have much experience with people being slain in the spirit or speaking in tongues. I've never seen someone healed. It all made me kinda nervous. But I've always wanted to see that side of the HS. I believe that God can change people. I believe that miracles happen but I had never witnessed one. I wanted to see the way that God could move his people.
As I tried to prepare myself for the conference, I prayed that God would open my heart and mind to the things that the HS could do. I wanted my heart to be open to receiving the HS. I wasn't praying to speak in tongues but to feel God touch me with the HS. Like I said before, I'm a skeptic. I didn't think that the HS could really infuse people. Tonight, I became a believer. I prayed that my heart would be open and God answered that. While we were singing our worship songs at the beginning, I found myself beginning to cry. The songs are all in Greek so I don't really know what they are saying but I sing along anyway. I started to cry but could not identify why I was crying. As the speaker began to speak, each time someone went up to receive healing I would begin to cry again. One woman went forward to receive healing on her eyes. She had been seeing spots and it blurred her vision. The speaker pointed at me and asked me to come forward. He said, "I received a word from God that you needed to see the healing of her eyes. Put your hands over her eyes and say these words." The tears would not stop flowing. The woman was convulsing but remained standing. God healed her eyes. God answered my prayer. I saw people receive the HS.
I'm still processing through a lot of this. We have another service tomorrow night. I hope the Lord continues to open my heart and I see his healing power again. I'm excited to see the people who received healing tonight. One lady was blind in one eye and she began to gain some sight in it but it might take some time still.
God is changing me. I don't know the complete reason or ways yet but I feel a change. Maybe it is to help my skepticism.
Sorry for unloading but it is a lot to process in one evening.
I'm a skeptic at heart. I grew up in typical United Methodist fashion with no HS moving the people during worship. People didn't raise their hands and they certainly didn't speak in tongues. We rarely had alter calls. As we were preparing for the conference, we talked about our own experiences with the HS. I admitted that I didn't have much experience with people being slain in the spirit or speaking in tongues. I've never seen someone healed. It all made me kinda nervous. But I've always wanted to see that side of the HS. I believe that God can change people. I believe that miracles happen but I had never witnessed one. I wanted to see the way that God could move his people.
As I tried to prepare myself for the conference, I prayed that God would open my heart and mind to the things that the HS could do. I wanted my heart to be open to receiving the HS. I wasn't praying to speak in tongues but to feel God touch me with the HS. Like I said before, I'm a skeptic. I didn't think that the HS could really infuse people. Tonight, I became a believer. I prayed that my heart would be open and God answered that. While we were singing our worship songs at the beginning, I found myself beginning to cry. The songs are all in Greek so I don't really know what they are saying but I sing along anyway. I started to cry but could not identify why I was crying. As the speaker began to speak, each time someone went up to receive healing I would begin to cry again. One woman went forward to receive healing on her eyes. She had been seeing spots and it blurred her vision. The speaker pointed at me and asked me to come forward. He said, "I received a word from God that you needed to see the healing of her eyes. Put your hands over her eyes and say these words." The tears would not stop flowing. The woman was convulsing but remained standing. God healed her eyes. God answered my prayer. I saw people receive the HS.
I'm still processing through a lot of this. We have another service tomorrow night. I hope the Lord continues to open my heart and I see his healing power again. I'm excited to see the people who received healing tonight. One lady was blind in one eye and she began to gain some sight in it but it might take some time still.
God is changing me. I don't know the complete reason or ways yet but I feel a change. Maybe it is to help my skepticism.
Sorry for unloading but it is a lot to process in one evening.
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