I've been going to therapy. I love it. My therapist challenges me to think about things in a new way. He asks me to face myself and truly be honest about how I'm feeling. I cried for the first time this week during our session. I finally claimed that I'm lonely. Don't get me wrong, I have great friends and great relationships, but there is a longing that has gone unmet for quite some time. I feel invisible when it comes to men. I get looked over because of my appearance. I have learned to compensate by being outspoken but I am still hiding parts of myself. But what do I do with that? I claim the emotion that I am lonely and I claim that I long to be in a relationship but where does that leave me? The collect that we often recite in worship recites, "Almighty God, to you all hearts are open and all desires known." All desires known. What does that mean? That God knows my desires but chooses not to fulfill them? That God knows my desires and that is the end of it. God knows them and acts accordingly? I have asked for my desires to be changed. I would rather they be changed than sit and long for something that will never happen.
I am young. I know this. But time is not slowing down. I desire things, I long for things. Change my desires. Change something, anything. I want to be seen. See me.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Counter-cultural
Someone told me tonight that I was counter-cultural. I think that is one of the best compliments I've ever gotten. I asked him to further articulate what he meant. He said that I do not let things define me like they define other people.
I've been going to counseling this semester. I really hate the stigma that surrounds people who go to counseling. Personally, I think everyone could benefit from going to counseling. If you have the chance or the means, I get to go free for example, then you really should. It is very informative and helpful. I started going to gain a better sense of self. I wanted to understand why I think the way I do or why I react in a certain way to different situations. I have come to realize that I am, and have been trying to be, counter-culture. I have spent the good part of the last 4 or 5 years trying to redefine what it means to be a Christian and a woman in today's society. The Christian culture has defined who I should be for most of my life and I did not question it. American culture has defined who I should be as a woman, namely an overweight woman, for most of my life as well and I did not question it. It was not until high school and further exploration in college that I started to redefine what it means for me to be an overweight woman and a Christian in America.
I am a lot of things.
As a woman, I am confident, sexy, independent, funny, relational, sassy, a good listener, communicative, complex yet simple.
As a Christian, I am complex yet simple. Love covers all things and all people. All people are worth redeeming. With this in mind, I have to believe that all people are worthy of showing love. Our perceived enemies of society are actually the ones that need love the most. I cannot condemn anyone, that is not my job. Relationships are important to me.
These are streams of thoughts that are going through my head. They don't all go together or make sense, mostly because I am in the midst of studying and can't think straight.
Speaking of, finals are kicking my tail. I get overwhelmed thinking about them so I avoid studying and then get overwhelmed because I'm not studying. I always choose people over studying which is why I have to go sit in the abandoned part of the library. I just love talking to people so much! Ok, back to Christian Theology...
I've been going to counseling this semester. I really hate the stigma that surrounds people who go to counseling. Personally, I think everyone could benefit from going to counseling. If you have the chance or the means, I get to go free for example, then you really should. It is very informative and helpful. I started going to gain a better sense of self. I wanted to understand why I think the way I do or why I react in a certain way to different situations. I have come to realize that I am, and have been trying to be, counter-culture. I have spent the good part of the last 4 or 5 years trying to redefine what it means to be a Christian and a woman in today's society. The Christian culture has defined who I should be for most of my life and I did not question it. American culture has defined who I should be as a woman, namely an overweight woman, for most of my life as well and I did not question it. It was not until high school and further exploration in college that I started to redefine what it means for me to be an overweight woman and a Christian in America.
I am a lot of things.
As a woman, I am confident, sexy, independent, funny, relational, sassy, a good listener, communicative, complex yet simple.
As a Christian, I am complex yet simple. Love covers all things and all people. All people are worth redeeming. With this in mind, I have to believe that all people are worthy of showing love. Our perceived enemies of society are actually the ones that need love the most. I cannot condemn anyone, that is not my job. Relationships are important to me.
These are streams of thoughts that are going through my head. They don't all go together or make sense, mostly because I am in the midst of studying and can't think straight.
Speaking of, finals are kicking my tail. I get overwhelmed thinking about them so I avoid studying and then get overwhelmed because I'm not studying. I always choose people over studying which is why I have to go sit in the abandoned part of the library. I just love talking to people so much! Ok, back to Christian Theology...
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