Therapy

I've been going to therapy. I love it. My therapist challenges me to think about things in a new way. He asks me to face myself and truly be honest about how I'm feeling. I cried for the first time this week during our session. I finally claimed that I'm lonely. Don't get me wrong, I have great friends and great relationships, but there is a longing that has gone unmet for quite some time. I feel invisible when it comes to men. I get looked over because of my appearance. I have learned to compensate by being outspoken but I am still hiding parts of myself. But what do I do with that? I claim the emotion that I am lonely and I claim that I long to be in a relationship but where does that leave me? The collect that we often recite in worship recites, "Almighty God, to you all hearts are open and all desires known." All desires known. What does that mean? That God knows my desires but chooses not to fulfill them? That God knows my desires and that is the end of it. God knows them and acts accordingly? I have asked for my desires to be changed. I would rather they be changed than sit and long for something that will never happen.

I am young. I know this. But time is not slowing down. I desire things, I long for things. Change my desires. Change something, anything. I want to be seen. See me.